guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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