she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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