peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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