By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
what day is it and did you see me today?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
