I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
