I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Randomize
