I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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