Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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