I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
