I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
