I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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