Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
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