hell yes lets make some ravioli
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
