Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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