A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
