if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
Randomize
