That's when you crack a 10am beer
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
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