I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
