just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
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