"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Randomize
