I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
