this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
