Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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