well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
