Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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