are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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