He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
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