how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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