Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
