We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
