I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
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He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
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I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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