I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
you inspire me to be a worse person
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I was not drunk enough for that final.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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