Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Randomize
