Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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