I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
