you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I've blown a few things in my day
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
