seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Randomize
