I just made out with a guy for $7.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
