I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
