Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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