Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
