my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
