Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Randomize
