She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
