Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
