Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
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