Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Randomize
