I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night