Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT