He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
