I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
