did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I said "one day" and that day is not today
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
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