i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten