You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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