he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
