I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
