respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
