I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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