you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
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