I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
