I haven't been this sober since birth.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Randomize
