party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
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I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
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STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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