so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Randomize
