Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
